THREE SIGNS THAT SHOWS YOU NEED TO STOP HELPING PEOPLE

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Were you ever praised for being the good child in the family, the one who is most considerate and obedient? That is one status I have enjoyed all my life, what I did not realise was that I was becoming a people pleaser. but how did I arrive there and how has it shaped my life? I will also share with you lessons I learnt from my experience believing it will be helpful for you or someone close to you.

My story is a tale of Self Neglect.
Our family used to be a struggling middle class family in the social ladder and my parents were not apologetic about this status: my mother sings it regularly to ensure we didn't bring up any unnecessary demands. We weren't suffering, we only lived frugal.

As a child in my family, the only thing you had in relative sufficiency was food and clothing. That did not mean we had so much of it or had surplus: we ate and wore what was available not what we wanted. My parents made sure the clothes (BK) they bought were oversize such that I could wear them for three to five years and we ate meat only once a day. If I wanted any other children stuffs like all other kids, I would need to fast, pray and rehearse my lines for at least seven days. Eventually in 9 out of 10 attempts, I will end up getting a NO!That's not all, I will also get 2 hours lecture on our financial struggles, lack and want.

However, there was an irony. If an outsider comes to my parents for help, my parents would never complain. Instead, they would go out of their way to help - sometimes my mum would borrow to help people but we were expected to understand.

This sold me a mindset - I concluded within me that "making demands and being choosy was inconsiderate and overbearing." It became difficult to ask for things outside the basic human necessities - even that I must accept anything that comes and accept it with gratitude.


Added to these things was that I began to abandon myself to make other people fulfilled. Now you may think it is a good virtue and I agree with you but there is an extreme side. You must learn to draw the line between sacrifice and self neglect.
Whereas sacrifice is good, self neglect is dangerous. How do you know when you have crossed the lines?

1. YOU START PLAYING MESSIAH : You want to help and save the whole world.

Hey! I know the place of sacrifice, believe me I have been there before but you are not the saviour of the world, you can't help everybody.  Some people should actually not be helped.

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For instance, an elderly man once walked up to me this very morning, begging for alms, he looked all ragged and miserable so I gave him the last penny I had with me. Some minutes later, I saw the man with a bottle of dry gin. Apparently, he is an unrepentant 'science student' (alcoholic). What I did was  sponsor his irresponsibility and also denied myself breakfast.
If you have a father or you know a man whom people call philanthropist but his children are seating at home for owing school fees, you have seen a man whose satisfaction comes from people's opinion. Mark the end of such a man for it shall be frustration.

2. YOU HAVE LOST THE POWER TO MAKE YOUR OWN CHOICES: 
this is when people help you  live life and make decisions for you.  You believe and accept anything, even when you deserve more. Breaking News: even beggars now make choices.

From creation, man was given a will and the power to choose the things that would be in a persons life and the sovereign God himself does not force a man to do as He bids. However, parents and other people who occupy the status of influence in our lives feel entitled to make choices for us. I agree that parents should *GUIDE* children in decision making but it will be a violation of will to help your children think and decide what is best for them.
If you are reading this piece, you should also learn to allow people live their lives, you may support, help, guide and instruct but don't live life for people.

3. YOU JUST DON'T LOVE YOURSELF: You have a masochistic mentality.
I used the word 'masochism' for the sake of consistency, what I really mean to say is you don't LOVE yourself. Masochists are people who derive pleasure from harming themselves. But that is exactly what you do when you don't love yourself.

Let it be known that I do not advocate for self- centeredness or selfishness. I am talking about respecting your being a person. Paying attention to groom and culture yourself. The fact is,  If you don't like you, you will not like anybody. I remember that as an undergraduate, a couple of my friends and I came up with a code of conduct, we declared that in our dealings with people on campus— "God first, people next and me last" (God-others-me) in that order. But when I read and understood what Jesus said
"Love your neighbours as you love yourself" I knew I was being over zealous. Today, I still believe God comes first but I am next in line and I will keep loving on me.

There are many more pointers to indicate you are crossing the line but you can take a look at the few points I have raised, consider them and see how you can f come undone for productive and efficient living.

In all fairness to my parents, they did what was best known to them and I am not the least ungrateful for giving me all they could afford. I also do not regret going through all I went through, if I didn't go through I will not be sharing this with you. I must also say that I have benefited greatly from being selfless, considering all the leadership position I have been privileged to hold as a student volunteer. However, the point remains that such selfish neglect attitude is not the best, I am lucky to have emerged because I was able to understand and manage what was supposed to be a weakness and turned it around into strength with a positive mental attitude. If you can save others from going through the same, please do. Share and tag someone.

I wish you all the best on your way to living your best life.

Ajamah Oluwaseun