MEN ARE FAKE — LADIES ARE REAL

Source: iloverelationship.com

If you are a man, you probably came curious and angry wanting to find out why such strong word would be coined by a male writer. Calm down. I didn't really mean to say men are fake. Enjoy the read.

WHY LADIES RECEIVE MORE HELP THAN MEN

You are standing by the roadside waiting for a cab— beside you is a lady heading in your direction. you exchanged greetings, said a quick prayer for a chance to seat next to her and exchange numbers. The next moment, it gets really cloudy—so, this car pulls up in front of you but there's just enough seat for only one of you.

2 out of every 3 situation the lady would join the car either because you will play the gentleman card, or the driver insists that you should 'allow the lady.' Either way, there is an underlying factor— what could it be?

December 15 2016, Plateau State Nigeria, I had left the National Youth Service Corps (NYSC)  Orientation Camp with a friend bubbling with assurance of a good place of Primary Assignment (PPA). Twenty-four (24) hours later, I was at the NYSC secretariat, with a rejection letter, stranded and almost frustrated. There were hundreds of other corps members who had also been rejected. But I noticed that most of the ladies who were rejected quickly got fixed in another PPA, while most of the guys hung around cussing and complaining. So I began to wonder, why ladies got help and most of the guys did not? 

Recently, my mentor, who heads a church shared with his congregation what he observed when he visited a secondary school, where he had been speaking and counselling students. He recalled that on this very day, he chose to surprise the students by visiting them in the dining hall. When he entered the hall, he said "all the girls numbering about 40 mobbed me in excitement and surprise—while all the boys in the room, sat and watched from a distance even though they were equally excited. They sat down until all the ladies had settled. Four of the 60 boys in the room walked up to me, stretched a cold hand and mumbled welcome sir." He added. Why did they react differently? 

The answer is simple— In all the three instances above, the ladies showed more emotions and that works like magic.

THE EFFECT OF EMOTIONAL NUMBNESS

Psychologist say two-thirds of all human decisions are primarily based on emotions before logic. and that what people do is use logic to back up their emotions. So, because ladies are better at expressing their emotions, they are most likely going to find favour and help before their male counterparts. 

Renowned psychologist, Robert Plutchik in his work on the Psycho-Evolutionary Theory of Emotions, stated that there are 8 primary emotions — anger, fear, sadness, disgust, surprise, anticipation, trust, and joy which can be expressed in about 32 ways. Most times when we think about being emotional people think of it as a weakness because we have been told that ladies are the weaker sex, we conclude (erroneously) that whatever is associated with weakness is a lady's thing. People forget that love, joy, peace, satisfaction, calmness are also emotions that have nothing to do with gender.

Plutchik wheel of emotion- 1980
Wikipedia.

Does this have an effect on life in anyway? Yes it does. 

Research carried out shows that more ladies enter into depression than their male counterparts. However,  more men eventually commit suicide. In 2016 about 44,965 American died of suicide, about 33,723 (75%) were men, which means seven (7) out of ten(10) who committed suicide were men. 

Another research says that men die 3.53 x  more often than women. The reason for this is not far fetched - most ladies who get depressed, run for help before suicide, while the guys put up a strong outlook until it's too late. Jill Berger of Nova Southeastern University, Florida said "Traditionally, she says, society demands that men emulate a Marlboro man ideal--tough, independent and unemotional--that just isn't compatible with therapy." 

Financially, America loses $69 Billion annually to suicide.

Similarly, research also shows that men are less likely to seek mental health help. Women with chronic mental health illness are 10% more likely to seek support than men with such similar illness. All of these is to establish that when it comes to emotions, men come out more messed than women simply because they do not manage it properly.

APA President and Nova Southeastern University psychologist Ronald F. Levant, EdD, who coined the term "normative male alexithymia"--literally "without words for emotions" --to describe this phenomenon.

Many boys, he says, learn from their parents and from other children that they are not supposed to express vulnerability or caring. They learn to suppress their emotional responses--like crying or even sad facial expressions--so much that, by the time they are adults, they are genuinely unaware of their emotions and how to describe them in words.

All of these, underscores the fact that men make a mess of life due to their inability to adequately express their emotions. What then should we do to correct this issue?

RECOMMENDATION: GET REAL!

 1.  Men (and women alike) should be taught to control their emotions not deny them.

 2. Being emotional is not necessarily a sign that you are weak. It's easier to be real than messy. Assuming you overdo it, admit that you need help, go for help and stay loyal to working on it.

 3. The society should encourage people especially the men to open up, instead of shaming them for expressing their emotions.

 4. Every man should find and have an accountability group, where he will be free to share his issues and burdens.

If you know a man with emotional issues, encourage him to seek help. 

 Please, share and subscribe to this page. Together we can build a safe society.

Ajamah Oluwaseun

inspiring hope—building people—building systems.

P.S: the writer could only make references to events in the United State and not Nigeria because of lack of research and data on such issues in Nigeria. the writer is not xenocentric.